I understand that being a parent is pure bliss. Really, I do.
Now, I may not completely comprehend the magnitude of such love until I actually become a mom, however, it’s not that unfathomable when most adults say, “it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them.”
I have a niece and nephew that I absolutely adore the crap out of, and yet my sister informs me, it’s nothing compared to the love you have for your own child.
Ok, if I love those little monsters with all of my heart and soul, and that doesn’t come close to the feelings I’ll have for my own…well, so…maybe it is a little unfathomable. And it’s great that I’ll get to experience that one of these days.
It just won’t be tomorrow.
So when you ask me how long it’s going to take before I have a couple rugrats running around, I’ll tell you what I tell everybody, “In the next couple years.”
Yup, that has been the same exact phrase I’ve used for the past year and some change, and it’s merely code for “Get off my frickin’ back.”
As soon as the question is uttered from the person’s mouth, I want to slap it back in and duck tape their kisser shut because I know what’s coming next. Pressuring questions, hollow concerns and awkward comments that make me feel that if I wait any longer to get preggers, I’ll be blacklisted from the Cool Mom’s Club when I finally do have my bundles of joy (I never had any chance of being in a “cool” club anyway. So the joke’s on you.)
Go ahead and take a gander at my list of top 10 kid-hungry questions and comments. One should just kick these straight to the curb when having a easy, breezy conversation with a woman who doesn’t have children.
Please note: The only person that is exempted from this group of baby-pushers is my mother-in-law. I suppose it’s her god-given right to badger me for a grandchild. Plus, it’s highly unlikely she’d stop over some measly list I wrote anyhow.
1)”Well, in a couple years, you’ll be considered high risk.”
They make it sound as though I have a 50/50 shot of birthing a flying monkey. There have been millions of healthy babies born to mothers over the age of 35. Hell, over the age of 40 and both mother and kid have turned out. Just. Fine. AND 100% human.
2)”What are you waiting for?”
I don’t have to be waiting for jack squat, but I am trying to figure out what the sam hell I’m going to do next as my dancing career winds down.
On top of that, I’m still a newlywed. Stop flapping your jaw and let us enjoy being married for a while before I start cranking ‘em out.
3)”You know, the older the man is, the higher the risk your baby will be born with schizophrenia.”
Clint Eastwood, Larry King, Hugh Heffner, even Pablo Picasso had children well into their 60’s and their children seem just peachy keen.
4)”You don’t even know if you CAN get pregnant.”
Think about it, wouldn’t someone just feel like a heaping pile of elephant snot if they accidentally found out I had been trying for awhile, but with no luck?
Lucky for them, that’s not the case.
You know, I get it though. Someone who’s younger has younger parts that have a higher chance of working. But for god’s sake, I’m not on the verge of menopause! I’m 34!
And even though some skincare salesman told me I was close to middle age, I don’t think I’m that close.
5)”The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get your body back.”
I’ve see many a woman struggle with their weight post bambino, regardless of their age. Extra pounds do not discriminate.
6) “People who don’t have kids have no idea what they’re missing.”
Yes I do.
In all seriousness though, you’re right. Most childless people have a hard time wrapping their head around what it will truly feel like to have a kid.
But instead of trying to fill us in, let us be surprised.
7) “Aren’t you worried that you won’t have the energy to keep up with them?”
From what I’ve seen and heard, the first couple years of most kids lives, parents of all ages are pretty much exhausted all the time. And when asked how they deal, the mom’s and dad’s out there simply say, “We just do it.”
So if I don’t have enough energy to keep up with them, somehow I’ll manage to pull it out of my butt, and “just do it” anyway.
8) Don’t you want to be around to see your grandkids?
Geez, we’re not living in the early 1800s. By the time we croak, women are expected to live well into our 90’s while men’s lifespan averages in the mid-80’s.
Granted, I might be walking around thinking I’m Princess Diana (since I’m close to not playing with a full set of botchy balls to begin with), but I’ll be around dadgummit.
9) I can’t imagine starting at your age.
What? You can’t imagine having a little money in the bank? Knowing you got all the partying and doing stupid stuff out of your system?Feeling as though you’re a little bit wiser than your younger self?
No worries, I can’t imagine starting at your age either.
And my personal favorite…
10) “Being a mom is the most amazing and fulfilling experience,” as she is literally yelling over her screaming and temper tantrum throwing child.
That. Right there. That does not help your case.
Please don’t get me wrong, I realize there are lots of benefits to being a younger mother, just like there’s plenty of reasons to hold off on being a mom as well.
I can appreciate people’s good intentions, but I feel some of them fail to understand that simply because theyhad children earlier on, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right choice for me.
However, thank you for wanting to see me as happy as your kiddo’s make you.
I’ll get there someday.
But for right now, I’m going out for a night on the town. I’m staying out as late as I want and sleeping till noon.
Because I can.
Hey, is there a kid comment that makes your eye start to twitch and I left it out? Let me hear ‘em!
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